original hip-hop song about the BBC's British Sci-Fi Sitcom "Red Dwarf"
(© Grant Naylor Productions)
by the great Luke Ski
2011 Luke Sienkowski
an ouroboros orphan who became a technician
the Jupiter Mining Corps for a mission,
you scream as you're blasting off to the stratosphere,
cold outside! THERE'S NO
KIND OF ATMOSPHERE!"
now what do you do?
13 pounds of chicken curry and vindaloo!
spaces. 3 MILLION
YEARS IN STASIS!
you and your Cat are on a first name basis. (Cat: Ow!)
Koshansky? You could finally be hers,
you're the last human male in the universe!
hang a U-turn at the nearest star,
Holly's head banging to your rock guitar!
a SMEG HEAD! If you bathe every
the loo, out of time, take a Stasis Leak.
a SMEG HEAD! Hope you're wearing a
the boys from the Dwarf are gonna smeg you up!
highly evolved, your evolutionary roots
a cat named Frankenstein. A LITTLE
RICHARD PUSS 'N BOOTS!
a fashionable pilot, drinking some Chablis,
a Tongue Tied, buck toothed, mop head, Dwayne Dibley.
your seafood away, and you're bound to get bitchy,
GONNA EAT YOU LITTLE FISHIES!"
maybe you're a robot mechanoid,
was rescued after crashing on some random planetoid.
gutters with the Scutters, a domestic spacer
a head that looks like a chewed pencil eraser.
ACHIEVE HUMANITY? There's
no way to know,
Silicon Heaven, where the calculators go?
a SMEG HEAD! (Cat:)
If you ever doubt me,
so vain, that I probably think this song is about me!
a SMEG HEAD, IF YOU'RE A
it feels good to be a Dwarfer.
Kryten: Yes, Mr. Rimmer, sir?
Rimmer: My memorial statue
which I erected for myself hasn't been dusted in over 13 hours. Do
you have anything to say?
Kryten: Yes, sir, I do have
something to say. You're a smmmmmmmm!
Rimmer: I'm sorry, I didn't
quite catch that.
Kryten: You're a smmmmmmmm
Cat: Hang on,
goalpost-head! Maybe he's trying to say that old cat word,
Lister: No, Cat, what he's
trying to say is that there is no frelling way he's going to take
orders from a Mudblood muggle prat like him.
Rimmer: I still outrank you,
Lister. Oh, just spit it out, you metal gimboid!
Kryten: Actually, what I was
trying to say is, "Frak off, you gorram, ruttin', scruffy-looking
nerf herder, smeg head!!!(*laughs*)
Lister: That's it!
Cat: Yeah, you got it!
a snack machine repairman, returned from the dead,
a big letter 'H' stuck to your forehead.
as a hologram, the highest ranking recruit,
it takes you 5 minutes just to do a salute.
complain that in life that good luck was bereft.
just take a Dimension Jump to the left,
discover a much cooler version of you does exist.
Ace: "Smoke me a kipper, I'LL BE BACK FOR
the Rimmer Experience all sanguine,
go mad with Mr. Flibble the penguin.
hey, I wouldn’t say that you're a total putz.
looked DEATH in the FACE and you KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS!
a SMEG HEAD! If your space corps
getting misquoted, and your hard light's defective.
a SMEG HEAD! If you think you're
you run away from danger, and you're hot as gazpacho.
a SMEG HEAD! If you married a
it's too weird for words, justify yourself!
a SMEG HEAD! Just go to Fiji to
the Red Dwarf posse's coming Back To Earth!