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2017-04-18
the great
Luke Ski
Candybars 

“Candybars”

A parody of “Handlebars” by Flobots about food and dieting

Parody lyrics by the great Luke Ski

© 2017 Luke Sienkowski

 

(spoken:) Ah, lunchtime! Snacks! Oh! *crunch crunch* So tasty! *crunch crunch* Uhhm, nom! *crunch crunch* Aw, man. What am I doing?


I can live my life with no candybars.

No candybars. No candybars.

I can live my life with no candybars.

No candybars. No candybars.


Look at me, look at me.

Scale’s at two-hundred-sixty-three

pounds. And it’s not surprising

‘cause I love the grub at Potbelly.

I can eat a dozen oreos.

I can eat a double Quarter Pounder.

I can eat a large bag of Doritos.

And I can get depressed ‘cause I’m getting rounder.

I can drink a gallon of chocolate Quik.

I can nom Ramen with a choppy-stick.

I can carve a Tombstone Pepperoni.

And eat at Arby’s and not be sick.

Sausages made from tofu gook.

Mrs. Grass’ Soup I like to cook.

All these habits must be shook.

I’ll have bacon once and awhile, but, look

I can have a modicum of self-control.

Of self-control. Of self-control.

And I can have some iceberg in a salad bowl,

Not a casserole, made of pizza rolls.


Look at me, look at me.

I just did a round of therapy.

I’m fine, just take my meds

And make changes incrementally.

I can walk to work, not drive my Nissan.

Take vitamins from my pharmacy.

I can read that book by Nerdist, he’s on

TV, think his name’s Chris Hardbody.

I can make myself a Pinterest gallery.

I can count every point and calorie, eat squash,

go to meetings at Weight Watchers

and give them a big chunk of my salary.

Invest in a health club, shake my assets.

Sign up for pole dancing classes,

Yoga, or some new contortion.

I will not blow this diet out of a portion.


‘Cause I can eat a lima not a jellybean.

Not a jellybean. Not a jellybean.

And I don’t have to bow down to the Dairy Queen,

Or to Krispy Kreme, or the KFC.


(spoken:) Okay so, a 15 ounce can of Skyline Chili, how many points is this? One serving is 250 calories, each can is 2 servings, so 500 calories, Multiply that by .0303, that’s 15.15. 2 grams of sugar, multiply, if, uh, if the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile is leaving down Hershey Highway at 27 miles per hour, how long un-aaahhh! It’s bad enough being on a diet, WHY DO I ALSO HAVE TO DO MATH?!?!?! AAAAAHHH!!!!

Where’s the beef?! Where’s the beef?!

Right up here in my mouth!

And I will smother and cover every

Waffle House in the south!

My El Pollo is Loco! My milk is Nestle!

My Rocky’s Roccoco! My breadsticks are free!

I can be the king of mastication!

Barrel of Coke is my hydration!

Order all Chipotle combinationS!

Red Lobster? 101 Crustaceans!

I used to think that I could be a sleek guy,

Now I really don’t care!

And I’m gonna eat all the things they deep fry

At the Wisconsin State Fair


Because a fair is a veritable smorgasbord!

A smorgasbord! A smorgasbord!

The side dish for my T-bone is a side of pork!

Screw the salad fork! Eat just like an orc!

And I’ll consume a metric ton of Häagen-Dazs!

Of Häagen-Dazs! Of Häagen-Dazs!

Of Häagen-Dazs! Of Häagen-Dazs!

Of Häagen-DaaaaAAAGGHHghhghh!---


I can live my life with no candybars.

No candybars. No candybars.

I can live my life with no candybars.

No candybars. No candybars.

 

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