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2018-10-05
Jeff Whitmire Tickets for 'Weird Al' in Sarasota 

  Tickets for Weird Al in Sarasota 
Parody of "Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota" by 'Weird Al' Yankovic
New lyrics by Jeff Whitmire and Ian Bonds
Well I had a lot of vacation time piling, After flippin’ my boss off at Bernie’s Carpet and Tiling. But 3 months later my girlfriend and I were getting tired of playing Twister. She said, “Hon, if I could do anything, I would see the guy live, Who recorded ‘Yoda’” I said, “Babe, I’m gonna get you tickets for Weird Al in Sarasota. I hear that Weird Al’s playing live in Sarasota.” Well we didn’t delay, we drove out of LA, Had a suitcase filled with taco grandes, Grapefruit Jell-O, Oreo filling, and bologna from our mini-bar. My girlfriend brought along the latest issue of the Midnight Star, And read me stories as we travelled. I pulled up to a guy wearing a shirt that said, Ben Affleck Rules. I sped away, and I covered him in gravel. I put in Al’s “3-D” cd, then felt my face was getting redder, Cuz every time I saw my girl, she’s on her phone, Watching Eddie Vedder. But still I knew I’d pop the question, later at the show, As we drove through the rough and ghetto, Lynwood Streets, In our beat up old Toyota. We’re gonna go see Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota. We’re heading out to Weird Al’s only show in Sarasota. On our forty hour trip there, we still made attempts to take in all the sights, And spent the nights watching Jerry Springer on our phones. We took a tour through Spatula City, The empty lot of U62, Though we never got outside of the car, because our door locks are completely busted, And we were busy singing Weird Al songs as loud as we could moan. Like Young, Dumb, and Ugly, and I love Rocky Road, Played Eat It and Skipper Dan, twenty seven times. It’s All About the Pentiums, Virus Alert, Ricky, Melanie, and then Word Crimes. We’re crankin’ Trash Day, Spam, Fat, Traffic Jam. Plus A Complicated Song, and I Lost of Jeopardy, Bob, Alimony, Germs, Gump, and I Was Only Kidding, Then we wound up in Albuquerque. We hit the sunshine state, by 6:38, We were tired and late, and aggravated by these endless miles. I said, “Hey let’s hit a drive-thru, I could eat a poodle,” But she rolled her eyes and said, “We might miss the start of the show tonight.” Then we drove past a home, that was dwarfed in the shadow, Of a mammoth Panosonic, playing Kathie Lee and Hoda. On our way to witness Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota, We’re gonna go see Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota. Finally, we drove up to the venue, felt our hearts were beating, As we found some parking, near a Rhinestone Belvedere. Without any warning, she leapt from the car, and she ran away, Like a weasel, and said, “I can see Al’s hair from here!” I slammed the door, screamed “I don’t know you anymore,” I can’t parallel Al’s raw savior-faire!” But then she stopped to look at me with this wry intensity, And told me, “You should stay right there!” Oh, how was I to know, she was a comedy music fangirl, With a Polka Jones, who’d make my whole world explode-a. Just to see Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota. Then fade into the biggest Will Call line in Sarasota! Oh, what on Earth could drive a girl to turn around and be so cruel? Oh, wasted up 17,130 pints of fuel. What does Al got on me, why is this such a big drag, Is it his money, is it his talent, his California swag. Is it his vegan zen, should I write a song and then, Buckle up and learn to rock out the accordion. So I walked to my Camry, and I glanced behind, If I was white and nerdy, would she still be mine, I just wonder. Then a tremble shook the ground, I heard a sound blasting from afar , and chill me to the bone, I said it must be thunder. Then suddenly it broke out, from far below, A gargantuan hamster with a glow, Had beady black eyes, and growled like a wolf but mean-a. And then with a hungry bellow he rose upon his hind legs, Bearing his teeth, he turned and lunged at the arena. The hamster gnawed on the structure with his rodent mandibles, As the crowd trapped inside could just scream. Then like a cartoon cat devours a lasagna, He tore the roof off like it’s heavy cream. Then I thought of Amy and I thought of Al, And I reached in my pocket and said the time was now, Kid, this here’s what a hero was meant to feel. And the tears were welling, but I endured the sting, As I grabbed a stone, and I grasped my sling. And said let’s send this mouth hoarder back to his wheel. Then I screamed hey you hairy buck toothed sucker, You’re in my habitrail now, and this song really needs a coda. You won’t eat Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota. I’m gonna go save Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota. And the hamster fell down at Weird Al’s feet, And I told him this is not how I’d want to meet. He whispered, “that I can understand, thanks for saving my life.” Then Amy grabbed my arm and said, “I was wrong, This is the life I’ve wanted all along, I feel our Saga’ now beginning and I know I’m gonna be your wife. If we’ve got one more minute we should begin it, On a honeymoon road trip, to see that giant ball in Minnesota, And it’s all because of Weird Al Yankovic in Sarasota, I’m glad we got those tickets for Weird Al in Sarasota…Sarasota…Sarasota!!!!
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