Drama on birthdays and brown-colored Skittles,
Self-righteous jerks who make me feel belittled,
Prostitot outfits, and guests who won't leave--
These are a few of my biggest pet peeves.

Sentences ending with a preposition,
Those who are wrong and refuse all admission,
Embezzling CEOs, and petty thieves--
These are a few of my biggest pet peeves.

But there is still no annoyance so heinous
As one that makes me cringe and bleed from my anus
This misapplication; it's terribly wrong:
Making this tune here a Christmastime song!

There's no Santa!
There's no Jesus!
There's no damn Jack Frost!
Can someone please tell me how this tune's Yuletime?
So why play it now?! I'm lost!

If you think just 'cause it says things of winter
Means the song's Christmassy, your thinking's hindered.
It doesn't work that way. It's not so hard--
Stop thinking so black-and-white, you retard!

The overall theme should be what you consider.
Not just certain key words, you fricken omitter!
And if you should doubt my case, since you're so smart,
Just tell me what's festive about this next part:

When the dog bites!
When the bee stings!
Wait! That upsets you most?
I mean, what about Nazis, the plague, Justin Bieber,
Or dreaded trash talk show hosts?! ([Spoken:] Jeremy Kyle and Steve Wilkos are major pricks!)

Forgive me, I seem to have gone on a tangent.
This song's not going quite how I had planned it.
I still insist this is no Christmas tune,
Initially sung for a rainstorm in June!

Don't get me wrong, though--this song is just peachy!
It's certainly better than lectures on Nietzsche.
It's better than bigotry, I do believe.
As a matter of fact, there are far worse pet peeves!

Honey Boo-Boo!
Nepotism!
Middle seats on planes!
I think of these pet peeves when this song is played,
Then this tune won't seem so lame!