[Spoken:]
Lead Raccoon: And THAT, kids, is how YOU can just say no to child prostitution.
Raccoons: [Assorted exclamations: "Yeah!"; "You know it!"; "Uh-huh!"; and one huge gutteral "YEEEEEEAAAAAAH!!!"]
Lead Raccoon: Okay, now we'd like to get serious for a moment. We honored members of the Cartoon Raccoon Platoon have been shaping your childhoods, and your childhood's childhoods, for the past six hundred years. We've told you to lay off hard drugs, and to always be kind to strangers. But now it's time for you to do US a favor! So please, shut your pie-hole for two minutes and listen to the following musical business proposal! You guys ready?!
Raccoons: [Assorted exclamations: "Yeah!"; "Alright!"; "WOOOO!"; "ROCK AND ROLL!!!"]
Lead Raccoon: Okay, a one two three four ROCK!!! [pause] Hang on...hang, hang on...hang on...wait, wait...HANG ON!...hang on...hang on...hang on...hang on...hang...okay.
[Song:]
Hey, buddy, won't you let us burn your house down?
Ain't no trouble at all!
You ask, what's the catch?
Well, we've got an itch to scratch
We just wanna scratch a match
Or two and make great fire balls!
All of our services are complimentary!
Please stop worrying, sir!
If you like heat
Our prices can't be beat
Now then, which gas would you prefer?
We all have passions for a million things
And we got us a million one!
We feel like Jesus when we spread our wings
And we burn everybody else's stuff for fun!
So hey, baby, won't you let us burn your grandma
Give her somethin' to do
[Spoken: Raccoon 1: You're flat. Raccoon 2: Shut up, your mother's a whore!]
We gave your keys
To a swarm of giant bees
Hey, you know we aim to please
So how about one "Thank You?"
Hey, baby, won't you let us drown your life coach
In our Biblical flood?
We just drove around
The childrens' playground
Man, I ain't never seen so much blood!
Hey, I just dug up the corpse of Gerald Ford!
I'm not quite interested in why.
C'mon, let's hang him from a bungee cord
And teach the world how to fly-y-y!
I told you our services are complimentary
We like watchin' stuff burn!
It's free, don'tcha get it?
Ain't no need for cash or credit!
Please enjoy your brand-new shiny burnt-down house in return!
Hey, if we're lucky then the wind might pick up
Spread that fire around
Won't that be nice?
Like a baby in a vise
If the whole damn city burns down, down, down!
Dooby dooby doo dah burn your house down
Why not give us a call?
You don't have to shout
We're just tryin' to help you out, bitch!
Ain't no trouble at all!
[Spoken:]
Raccoons: [Assorted exclamations: "WOOO!"; "We did it!"; "We're the best!" etc.]
Lead Raccoon: That was the greatest thing I've ever seen or heard. And now, we're gonna teach you stupid kids how to saw your own legs off for sympathy money! First, you locate a large saw. And then...
[door opens]
Tony: Okay, I'm back from Disneyland. And...why is my apartment filled with animated raccoons?
[long pause]
Raccoons: [Assorted mutterings: "Um..."; "Uh..." "Well..."; "See, the thing is..."; "Hmmm." etc.]
[long pause]
Lead Raccoon: GET HIM!
Raccoons: [Assorted attacking noises]
Tony: [screams]
The FuMP
2011-10-07
Artist
Tony Goldmark
Title
Burn
If the fabric of reality itself is crumbling before your very eyes right now, it must be because I AM ON THE FuMP! Hi, I'm Tony Goldmark. I did a parody rap about Harry Potter like seven frickin' years ago [no, the other one] and now after a regrettably-far-too-long absence from the dementia community, I, Tony Goldmark hisself, is am are BAAAAAAACK!!!
I'll politely wait for those crickets to finish speaking before I continue.
Okay, I recently finished recording my next album, GOLDMARK AFTER DARK, and I plan to release it in early 2012...but first, why not enjoy a few delicious FuMP-exclusive preview tracks? Starting with this delightful little ditty called "Burn." I haven't actually listened to "Burn" yet, but I found an uncompressed wave file of it lying around on my desktop this morning, credited to me. I am told that this credit is accurate, and also that it features the musical talents of Hank Maninger on guitar, Paul Olguin on bass, Paul Revelli on drums and Henry Salvia on keyboard, with Garth Webber engineering and mixing. I'm not sure exactly WHO has told me all this, but who am I to disagree? Enjoy!
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