I only want to be with Britney Spears or any one of Britney’s peers
I’d like to grow old with Jordin Sparks or simply go strolling through Jordin’s parks
I was all Miley Cyrus’s the moment I gazed into Miley’s irises
If I played a game of Scrabble with Harry Styles, I’d sneak a little peek at Harry’s tiles

I had a good thing going with Stephen Stills, till I got caught with my hand in Stephen’s tills
I tried to go to bed with Bon Scott – instead I had to sleep on Bon’s cot
I fell head over heels for Billy Squier and the heavenly harmony of Billy’s choir
I’d get it on with Bob Seger too, just as long as Bob’s eager to

Oh don't get me started on Carly Simon
Don’t get me started on Carly Simon
Don’t get me started on Carly Simon
Don’t get me started on Carly Simon

After being turned down by Percy Sledge, I had to be talked down off Percy’s ledge
I finally got the nerve to call Sly Stone, but I could hear the lack of interest in Sly’s tone
I would’ve had a bath with Levi Stubbs, but I slipped and fell in one of Levi’s tubs
While I was hoping for a “yes” from Phoebe Snow, the only word that I heard was Phoebe’s “no”

Don’t get me started on my Keith Sweat dreams
Don’t get me started on my Keith Sweat dreams
Don’t get me started on my Keith Sweat dreams
Don’t get me started on my Keith Sweat dreams

I don’t want to set Matthew Sweet free, but it’s like I’m bread and Matthew’s wheat-free
I made an unsuccessful play for Marnie Stern – what can I say, it was Marnie’s turn
I wanted to go out with Michael Stipe, but I wasn’t Michael’s type
I was borderline obsessed with Patti Smith, having been taken in by Patti’s myth

Don’t get me started on Matt Sweeney
Don’t get me started on Matt Sweeney
Okay, I’ve had a huge crush on Matt Sweeney
Ever since I saw Matt’s GIGANTIC FUCKING COCK