I'm not scared of things with fangs
or skulls and spider webs.
I'm not scared of creepy owls
pecking at my head.
I'm not scared of closet monsters
Or blood curdling screams
Nor of guys with skin conditions
Haunting all my dreams

Unless it was a guy with a beard
Oh please, don't be a guy with a beard
I'm really scared of facial hair
Oh no no, not a guy with a beard.

Not afraid of that chihuahua
or the DMV
Not afraid of pork or cole slaw.
Those do not scare me.
Unicorns don't make me nervous
'cause they don't exist.
Not afraid of Jimmy Carter
or of Jimmy's wrists.

Unless Jimmy Carter grew a beard.
Ex-presidents should not grow beards.
And mutton chops, they scare me lots.
Oh no no, not a guy with a beard.

Mustache! Also not a fan of these.
Mustache! Facial fuzz just makes me freeze!
Mustaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaache!

Mohawks I'm ok with and
A mullet's merely lame.
Thick eyebrows are borderline
and chest hair is the same.
Stubble I can deal with
Just try not to grow it out.
Even goatees and soul patches
Make this grown man shout.

No, not even little beards!
Oh please, don't be a guy with a beard!
I cannot stand your beard so grand.
Give it a shave, and I will rave.
Please use your Schick and axe it quick.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.
No no, not a guy with a beard.