Please understand
Since 1984 I've been a drooling rabid fan
Of well-constructed comedy played on accordi-an
If you'll forgive the scansion
When I was nine
The first time I heard "Beat It" with the lyrics redefined
It built up new synapses in my adolescent mind
And I was just like "damn, son"
Found his first album in
A "Nice Price" bargain record bin
The best three-ninety-nine I'd ever spent
A squeezebox-slinging dude
With full-on punk rock attitude
Unleashing polka rage against the rock establishment
So all the while
He kept up with the trends and every single music style
There was no artist that he would not playfully defile
He could not be defeated
I'd seen him play
And though his show was awesome and his band blew me away
There was one minor criticism that I can relay
And that's that I was seated
When I saw he'd be live
At Riot 2025
With Screeching Weasel, Weezer and Green Day
I knew there'd be a chance
That he'd compel the punks to dance
I bought a ticket, booked a flight
And I can proudly say
You may have seen the Ramones back in '79
You may have seen Anthrax before they were signed
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
You may have seen the Rolling Stones when they rocked Toad's Place
You may have seen Ozzy take a bat to the face
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
It took a bit
The crowd was like a fire that was ready to be lit
But "Mission Statement's" never gonna start a circle pit
It's just too freakin' dulcet
But then the strains
Of 90's riffage from a certain roast of Curt Cobain
Came ringing out and soon the masses could not be contained
The crowd became convulsant
The friendliest of pits
No windmills, no karate twits
Just screaming lyrics in each other's face
And as I caught my breath
They started chanting "Wall Of Death"
And the Fat Intro Started...
...and kept going...
And...okay...this is a long intro, we're kinda losing momentum here...
"YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'!" Ok.
And we charged into the space
You may have seen ACDC with Axl Rose
And you may have seen Guster play in women's clothes
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
You may have seen Inside Out before Zack joined Rage
Or seen N.W.A get arrested on stage
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
Let me hear you scream "WE WANT POLKA!"
ALL RIGHT OPEN UP THIS PIT LET'S GOOO
You may think this sounds sus
And thoroughly ridiculous
And all there in attendance would agree
The best way not to care
Is to be fully self-aware
And dare to be as stupid as the man told you to be
You may have seen the post-makeup pre-remakeup Kiss
Or seen Fat Mike crowdsource his urinalysis
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
You may have seen Johnny Cash at the Folsom Jail
Or seen Amanda Palmer flash the Daily Mail
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
You may have seen GWAR kill the rich and the famous
Or seen the Beach Boys play with John Stamos
And holy crap that happened at the same damned Riot Fest
You may have seen Motley Crue on their final tour
You may have seen them again when they did twenty-seven more
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
My wife saying yes when I proposed,
And the birth of our son was pretty cool I suppose
But I was in the Weird Al pit at Riot Fest
Copyright 2025 Timothy F Crist
The FuMP
2025-10-17
Artist
Worm Quartet
When I discovered that Weird Al was actually on the bill at the most eclectic festival lineup I'd ever seen ("I can see Agnostic Front and Weird Al on the same day?!?" was my initial response) I had to drop "Start a Pac-Man-related cult" from my bucket list to make room for "participate in a Weird Al pit."* This has been one of many situational exceptions I've had to make to my well-documented "Too Old For The Pit" rule. I made perhaps too many exceptions during the weekend of Riot Fest, as my ribs remain bruised (presumably from Sunday's Screeching Weasel prancings,) but I appear to have survived.
Highlights that I was unable to fit into the song:
1. A dude dressed as a banana in said pit
2. A dude dressed as Jesus in said pit (I told him "Hey! I read your book!")
3. Moshing to "Ricky." Seriously. "Ricky."
4. Watching Steve Jay and Jim West occasionally take photos of said pit
5. Watching a dude on the edge of said pit explain to his teenaged daughter the cardinal rule of "someone goes down, you help them up." Felt that in my soul.
Special thanks to Al, whose birthday is next week. And also to my wife, for encouraging me to go to this thing. And to MC Lars for absolving me of the inadvertent theft of his "damn, son" bit. And to Dr. Demento for the years upon years of support...it just hit me that this is the first song I've ever released that has NO chance whatsoever of being played on the Dr. Demento show. But damned if he didn't end the show strong as hell, and on his own terms. (Barry, if you're reading this, all the best in your retirement.)
* Apologies to anyone who has already converted their worldly posessions to tokens in anticipation of said cult. No refunds.
Music and Lyrics by Timothy F. Crist
Vocals / Programming / Arrangement / Keytar by Tim "Shoebox" Crist
Gang vocals by Luke Ski, Lindsay Smith, Tony Goldmark, Devo Spice, Steve Goodie, Chris Mezzolesta, and Insane Ian (who was there!)
Mixed and Mastered by Steve Goodie
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