I’ve blown my nose about a hundred times today
It’s like a spigot that won’t turn off either way
It’s something I’m allergic to it’s something in the air
and if Mucus Were Money I’d be a millionaire

I heard Bill Gates that made a toilet that turns poop into electricity
If I could get a thing like that for snot then I could power a small city
or two or three

Someday someone’ll find a use for phlegm
I’m saving up my tissues in a pile until then

If mucus were money I’d be a millionaire
Talk about your cash flow
It’d be so easy it’s not fair
I’d surround my home with ragweed
and and orchard of Bradford pears
‘cause if mucus were money I’d be a millionaire

I checked the pollen count today and it’s not very high
Maybe I should dust the window blinds then use the rag to wipe my eyes
Oh how I love when Lady Luck comes along
Open up the windows, kids! They’re mowing the lawn!


 If mucus were money I’d be a millionaire
I’d be the goose that laid the golden goo in fact I’d lay it everywhere
I’d insure my sinuses inc are they ever got repaired
‘cause If mucus were money I’d be a millionaire
a gazliionaire
a very lonely, red-faced, disgusting bazillionaire