Hello muddah, hello faddah
I'm on a cruise ship, on the water
And there's nothing that could spoil it
If we only had a single working toilet

There's a busted generator
Sure they'll fix it, but much later
All the bathrooms, now they're empty
And we're making do with something called a Hefty

Frantic message, captain speaking
All the crew and guests are reeking
Some have gone mad, others raving
Which can happen when you go weeks without bathing

Word came up from engineering
There's a problem with the steering
We'll be docking, 'least we shoulda
But those penguins tell me we're not in Bermuda
Fly me home, oh Carnival
Fly me home, I'm not so well
Don't leave me out on the open seas
Where ev'ry day's a new disease

Fly me home, I promise I will not sue you
Or rat on Chaplain Multagrue
We bowed our heads to pray
He sailed the lifeboat away

Dearest mudduh, dearest faddah
We're still stuck here on the water
There's been fighting, there's been hoarding
And I killed a man today while shuffleboarding
I have good news of a rescue
We've been boarded, by a new crew
They are pirates, we've been captured
But there's toilets on their ship so I'm enraptured!!