Dear Taylor Swift,

It’s Romeo here. It's awfully sweet that you wrote about me in your song.

But you kind of got the story wrong.

First off, Tay Tay, if you’ve ever read Shakespeare, I assume you would have to know this little tale ain’t gonna end well. But you’re the patron saint of the prepubescents who all want to be Romeo and Juliet, so I’m just guessing that there might be plot points that they don’t know. And since I’m Romeo, I’ve learned just how awful kids can be. That’s why Shakespeare titled this a TRAGEDY. Juliet's a time bomb! I’m just a fall guy! This is no rom-com, baby! We all die!

"But soft! what light breaks through yonder window?
It is the east, and Juliet must be the sun."

And now the one happy scene is done.

But say I'm Romeo! And you're The Scarlet Letter! Throw in Uncle Tom’s Cabin! What a Moby Dick! And you’re my Catcher in the Rye, Heart of Darkness and Fox in Socks!

So listen, Taylor Swift, I know just how stupid kids can be. That’s why Shakespeare titled this a TRAGEDY. She's got an ice pick! I’ve got cyanide! This is no chick flick, baby! We all die!

Incidentally, how do you keep fans from getting your number? I just answered a call from "Kim K" but it was actually some dude saying he's "Shakespeare in the flesh! Walt Disney! Nike! Google!" and to vote for him for President. WTF?

But I digress.

Your song gets tween girls sighing: Two young lovers running from an unfeeling town. The truth is horrifying! Let me recap how the bloodbath goes down, OK?

So...

I kill Tybalt! 'Cause Tybalt stabs Mercutio! Juliet takes roofies and goes comatose! I run to her grave where I whack Paris too! My mom dies of grief! And still we’re not through, because I decide Juliet is headed six feet underground, so I poison myself just as she’s coming round! So then Juliet jams my knife into her chest!

There’s your “Love Story."

Baby, we’re all F’d.

xoxox
Romeo