I've seen all of your movies again and again
I freeze-frame my favorites scenes and make wallpapers out of them
I've got your picture on my cellphone, I got posters in my house
I got you on my coffee cup, and on the pad for my mouse
I got your pretty face on the inside of my head
I've got a place I'm keeping warm for you right next to me in bed

Whenever you're on Leno or Conan or Letterman
I'm in the audience even though I don't like them
When you're filming on location I am always somewhere near
I watch you through binoculars and wipe away a tear
Hip hip hooray
How happy we will be
On that magic day
You fall in love with me

The candles are lit beneath your portrait
I supplicate myself and get undressed
Ooh - We're so connected, can't you feel it?
Who loves you this much? You're gonna be so impressed!

I joined all of your fansites as a way to say hello
All I got was just an eight by ten, not very nice you know
It's so obvious, their plan is clear, to keep us both apart
They don't give you my messages, they knife me through the heart
I've sent nine hundred emails but you've never written back
I guess I'm gonna have to change my plan of attack

I'd like to be romantic and do everything just right
But these walls they've built around you have you locked up nice and tight
So like a hero in your movies, I have to improvise
It's time to buy some duct tape and come up with a disguise
Please don't despair
I will set you free
Soon I will be there
And you'll fall in love with me

Oh, the little kittens' heads are impaled on spikes
That I've lined up oh so neatly 'long the seaside
I'm dancing for them nude at midnight under the moon
As I brand your name with hot irons on my backside
Ssss Ouch! Ssss Ouch! Ow that hurts! Man!

Please allow me to apologize about the baseball bat
But I spilled the choloroform when I pulled it from my hat
I hope you're comfortable, I lined your floor with roses just for you
When it comes to boyfriends, you will see, I'll be a dream come true
I'll feed you chocolate cherries through the little hole in your box
Each night I'll sing you lullabies as I polish the chains and locks

You're a woman so I know you've always wished it could be so
To be with a loving man who will never let you go
You never speak, but you don't have to, I know just the way you feel
You wonder if you're dreaming, you can't believe it's real
But yes, it's true
Aren't we both lucky
I'm in love with you
And now you're in love with me

(SFX: FAST-FORWARD THRU 10 YEARS OF MISSING STARLET REPORTS - FADE INTO OFFICE SOUNDS)

Oh my, where did I go just then? I drifted off a bit
I was staring at your website and got mezmerised by it
As daydreams go, that was a little weird, I'm not a crazy nut
I'm just a little starstruck, just a little - but -
I have a wooden trunk that's the perfect size I ought
To maybe give this cooky idea a bit more thought