Oh this is a story 'bout a British lady
Who wrote about Harry, Ron, and Hermione
And how everybody ought to be free to be themselves
And how muggles are just as good as everybody else

Well they studied and they practiced all the spells and tricks
And they tried to stop the Slytherins from always being… jerks
And they had to make a potion that would change their looks
So they found the recipe in a forbidden book
And they used a girls' bathroom with a ghost named Myrtle
And that's really important to the story
(Cause Harry's in the girls' bathroom!
And Rowling don't want trans women in her bathroom.
Is everybody with me?)

Well through seven books they kept coming back
To the bathrooms where they shouldn't be (shouldn't be)
They were working on a potion to fend off the attack
Of evil and oppression and bigotry
So JK Rowling why can't you see
That some people just don't fit (don't fit)
In the binary categories we've created
And they still need to… poop

Cause people are more than just body parts
And everybody pees and everybody farts
And yes you're a big billionaire rock star
But just who the heck do you think you are
You put Harry in the girls' bathroom
And if he hadn't gone in, by now Hogwarts
Would be overrun by Voldemort

Yeah Voldemort, he's the bad guy
We don't like the bad guy, why you wanna be the bad guy
What the hell happened, you used to be so reasonable
You know, rooting for the underdog, and people who are a little different
What are you nuts? Yeah I think you've gone nuts