I wrote a letter to Santa Claus, saying,
"I've heard you don't exist,
But I know you do, so please won't you bring every-
Thing on my Christmas list?"
I tossed and I turned all Christmas eve, till the
Clock said four fifty-three,
Then I went downstairs and I couldn't believe what was
Waiting under the tree:

There was Keira Knightley in a see-through nightie,
Salma Hayek and Kate Winslet.
There were suitcases filled with hundred-dollar bills,
And the keys to a new Corvette.
There were deeds to some mansions in Rome and the Hamptons;
A Hattori Hanzo blade;
There were ten thousand shares in Google, and there's
Every Star Wars toy ever made.

It's the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas time,
Every wish that I had came true.
It had been a rough fall, so I went for it all,
And The Man In Red came through.
There's supposed to be joy at the birth of a boy
Long ago in the Holy Land,
But this is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas --
I hope you understand.

Well, I ran back upstairs to Mom and Dad, saying,
"Come on, you gotta see,"
But they'd lost fifty pounds and rekindled the magic and
Weren't paying attention to me.
Sister got a boyfriend who didn't suck,
Brother got a girlfriend who... did...
So I ran down the street hoping maybe my luck
Had been shared by the neighborhood kids.

There were bikes and Nintendos in every yard;
Lots of iPods and DVDs;
Every grandma sent money in their Christmas cards,
Not a single toy was Chinese.
An anonymous friend paid off Mr. Hunt's farm,
And the Wilsons got cleared for home schooling;
Mrs. Taylor had regrown her missing arm;
Mr. Johnson stopped shaking and drooling.

It's the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas time,
Santa's filled up his big red bag.
He pulled out the stops and he bought out the shops,
And now everyone's loaded with swag
And all over the planet, even violent fanatics
Are spreading yuletide cheer,
'Cause this is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas,
My favorite time of year.

Steven Hawking got new vocal chords and legs,
And AmTrak got new trains.
The Rock got a script that didn't suck eggs;
Britney and Paris got functioning brains.
Republicans got their consciences,
And Democrats got their spines.
George W. Bush got pretzels and beer,
Dick Cheney got vital signs.

The alarm went off and I woke up --
I guess that I dreamed the whole thing,
So I shook my head and I got out of bed
To see what Santa DID bring.
Like I figured, new socks, some cheap Lego knockoffs,
And one big unmarked crate.
When I took off the wrapping, I just about crapped,
It was Salma, Kiera, and Kate!

It's the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas time --
Hope it's everything that you dreamed.
I wrote to Santa to dare him and he brought me a harem,
Won't my online buds be steamed?
Maybe next year I'll ask for peace on earth
For all the girls and boys,
But this is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas,
So make a joyful noise.
Yeah! This is the Ultimate Ultimate Christmas --
I think I'll go play with my toys.